1/31/2010
The days I was stuck at Perina's house throwing up because of the violent end to my love affair with heroin blurred together. It was a horrible time of hatred and fury toward me and others. Fy came to visit and she tried to snap me out of the despair I’ve had since I was kidnapped. Even as Kaylin sat beside me I felt alone. It wasn't her fault; I was just afraid of getting close to anyone again. Perina came over too but I wished she hadn’t. I didn't want her to see the monster I was becoming. We all talked a while, everything was normal yet not. After Kaylin went to bed, Fy tried again to pull me out of my depression. She touched me and I attacked her; pummeled her to the ground punching her face and choking her. Perina got near me and then she reached for me too. I kicked at her. I attacked someone who outranked me; someone I should show respect to. I was out of control. Maybe it was lucky that I was so weak from the madness of the withdrawal because I soon wore myself out.
I hated myself for how I attacked them. I no longer just inched away from the touch, now I kicked at it, willing it to fall away completely. Drive them away by force. That was my game. It was my reason of being. I couldn't let them close to me; not anymore. I saw most people as the enemy. Even friends. They could betray me as easily as Lexii. Only the closest were trusted, but even then--Kaylin was the only one who could touch me. I didn't want to trust anyone else that much. I still can't. Not even as I write this can I trust others so completely.
I saw him. I saw him nearby and I wanted to tear him open like a surgeon. Maybe I would tear out his heart, watching it beat in my hand and wait for it to stop. The fury built up quickly. Especially when he spoke to me like I was a speck, repeating the lies that Izzy had undoubtedly fed him. Maybe he had helped. Anjel. Darkness. The man who had helped kill Ais' first child while still nestled in her womb. My child. The only kid that was rightfully mine was taken from me and he had helped. The reign of fury, the need for revenge came to the surface. His face taunted me. Perina stood by me; telling him how she sided with me and not with that stupid bitch Izzy but it was too late. I was already fuming; my eyes set on Anjel. He thought I was harmless. Just a pathetic druggie who fucked and beat women. No. I had to prove him wrong.
I ran after him, screwdriver in hand and drove it hard into his face. He must have been stunned. Oh yes. I had the gull to go after him. I stabbed him in the stomach and then I pinned him down and drove a knife into his arm. He got a few stabs into my stomach but he--he lay on the pavement, helpless. I could almost feel him slipping. Then people showed up. Kids. Caylen. That fucking son of a whore who watched as his dad tortured me when he was a kid. He called me a baby killer. I wanted to attack him too. But then I saw. I saw Anjel lying there and my humanity returned. I thought I killed him. I believed I had become a killer; something I vowed to myself I'd never be. I kept steady. I ignored the stab in my knee as people surrounded me. Then Caylen hit me in the head and saw a moment of blackness. The darkness I had become. The paramedics Xan and Lake saw me in my hour of madness.
Time passed and I kept throwing up through the madness of withdrawal. Hallucinations. There was a line against the wall as dead insects crawling in the cracks of my insanity. I painted the wall with my body and decorated the bucket with my vomit. I saw Kaylin I think but I was swimming in delusions as I was accompanied by Nurse Ratchet. She was a vile creature that turned green at night and ate the remains of my sickness. I was lost in the wilderness of insanity and for a while I didn't know if I'd ever return.
I was taken to the hospital and was treated. I found myself crying out to ask if Anjel was dead. What had I done? What would I do? I was a monster. A freak show. They did a minor surgery on my knee and sewed up my stomach from the stab wounds. I had to stay overnight because of the surgery and the concussion. But Anjel? I think he's still there. I am not sure if he's left yet. How long ago had I stabbed him? He's still there. And not dead. He's going to be a dad. I found that out in the hospital. He's going to be a fucking father. And I almost killed him. But I don't regret hurting him. I couldn't. He'd kill me any chance he got so I was only slightly better by allowing him to hang onto life even if only by a thread.
I was sanctified in the measure of hurt it caused Izzy, though. It was perfect. Perhaps that was the best revenge anyone could inflict on another person. I saw her a few times at the hospital and I never saw her look so broken and frayed. It brought me satisfaction that brought momentary relief to the dragon that lived inside me now. But that didn’t last long. Soon it was ready to once again breathe fire and burn everything to the ground. It wanted to bring chaos. Secure the demons and kill what had been taken from me.
When the madness of the withdrawal finally started to fade I was able to see things clearly again, I felt relief. But I was afraid. Did Kaylin blame me? Did she hate me? Why would she want to be anywhere near me? I was like a poison; an incurable parasite that ate at your insides until nothing was left. Blood curdling hatred. But she didn't. She was as loving as ever.
It took time for her to open up to me even the tiniest bit. It was like pulling teeth. I still think she hides things from me. But don’t I hide things too? Do I not try to shield the dragon from her? She did let me read her journal entries; written so neatly on the page. Her sanity reflects my insanity. But it was a start.
Things were rocky for a while, but eventually things fell into place and things were semi-normal again. I told her I wanted her forever and she said she felt the same. And then we moved into a new apartment together. A new beginning. It would be our sanctity; a place where only a few would know where it was. Kaylin and I would be safe from the devils out there. But would she be safe from the demon that resided in me?
I was in the graveyard with Runya when I heard Perina and the familiar voice of Max, the Ace that apologized to Kaylin. I still didn’t trust him; not as long as he wore the bullet around his neck. I texted Perina with no reply and I got worried. Then I saw her in the entrance and I sighed with relief. That is until some girl came and tackled her to the ground like a maniac. Untamed rage seemed to personify her; it was all too familiar to me. The rage blurs my memory slightly, leaving me only with bits and pieces. I remember taking out my screwdriver and aiming for her head only for Runya to reach out and block it. Max threatened me; but I didn’t listen. I didn’t want to hear his words. He wielded his weapon toward my feet and knocked me over, but it didn’t seem like he wanted to actually harm me. I got up ready to attack the woman again; that is, until she spoke. She told me she too was an innocent. I stopped dead in my tracks. She was taken while I was in captivity apparently and tortured by my family and the Wolves. She was as innocent as Kaylin and yet I had wielded by anger against Max’s girlfriend just as the Aces had against mine. It was lucky that Runya had stopped me. I still felt bad about her involvement but she wasn’t mad that she had ended up getting hurt. She didn’t blame me for her injury but I did—do. It makes me wonder if I really do deserve someone like Kaylin. She’s the angel and I’m the devil, can we ever mesh?
I hope so. I want to marry Kaylin. I want to make her mine forever; but I'm not ready yet. I want to fight my demons and make it out alive before I made a commitment like that again. I don't want to hurt her. Not like I have before. Not like I hurt Sarah.
A week or so ago Sarah said she had some news and I was curious. The last time I saw her was in a bar and she acted like I was a ghost. She seemed spooked by me and my relationship with Kaylin. I can't blame her, I suppose; after all I had broken her heart. But I wanted to be friends with her. So when she called a few days later I was more than willing. Besides, Phoe asked me to watch over her while she was on her honeymoon and I was more than happy to oblige. Sarah and Phoe were both still family, after all. I would be some sort of twisted version of a guardian angel. An angel with horns instead of wings.
Before the attack in the cemetery—I was working at the Gein Burger. I was still limping but it was a lot better than trying to make burgers and shakes while balancing on one crutch. Runya came in wanting a milkshake. She looked so weary; like she hadn’t slept in a very long time. I knew the feeling quite well. She ordered a chocolate shake and I obliged gladly. This cool kid Logan was in there too for a shake as well. He worked at the Daily Grind and played a few gigs. I think he’s the son of Trinitii, a woman I had befriended when I first moved to Hathian. Seems like a lifetime ago.
Logan and I conversed while Runya leaned against the wall. At first it didn’t seem like anything was unusual even when she closed her eyes. But then it continued and I started to worry, especially when she wasn’t answering either of us and dropped her shake on the floor. I moved around the counter and foolishly started to clap my hands in front of her hoping to rouse her. When she did, she looked distant like she was somewhere far away. I imagine that’s how I look when I first awoke from my nightmares.
She grabbed at m and of course I pulled back drastically. After a few minutes we roused her enough to focus. I took her vitals as best I could and she calmed down. She has nightmares. Bad ones. She doesn’t wake up screaming but she might as well have been.
When I walked into Sarah’s house I saw Fey. A woman I remember so vividly yet so vaguely because of being drunk most of the time I'd known her. I had been the one that sold her the heroin and kissed her on the lips without knowing why. And there she was in the living room of my ex-fiancée. Strange how the past creeps up on you. I remembered the night I walked her home and ended up fucking her. I hadn't really talked to her since then. How many women have I thrown away like that? How many? I don't know, but too many that's for sure.
She told me over strawberry milkshakes that she was pregnant. With Xan’s child. I felt like the whole world was falling, and I was losing my footing. It wasn't that I wanted children with her or with anyone for that matter; I know I'm not ready. It was the fact that everyone around me is having children--experiencing the miracle of children and all I can remember is how Ais lost her baby before it even had a chance at life. When that happened it was like a piece of me was torn out of my soul. It's not something I can ever get back. And as I look around at everyone else I can’t help but feel jealous. They are blessed and I am cursed. But maybe I deserve all the pain I still endure day to day. All this ran through my head as Sarah told me. I found myself at the counter, hovering over it with my hands buried in my face feeling that sense of loss all over again.
Logan left, probably a bit spooked by the whole thing. Poor kid. Then Runya and I went to the cemetery to talk. We spoke about her dreams. She knows why she has them but that’s only part of it. Dealing with the why—that’s how you free yourself. But she, much like me, can’t seem to set herself free. We never did finish the conversation because that’s when the commotion began. It ended with Max tearing off his Ace necklace and holding it in his hands. A strange and desperate gesture because I know what it symbolizes. Anyone involved in a gang knows what it symbolizes. I wonder what it means. Is he leaving the Aces? Could we pick up the pieces and get him to join our side? Perina had warned him of the plans of taking his girlfriend a second time. In time, could we earn his trust? Only time can tell.
Sarah came over and put her hand on my shoulder. I shuddered and moved away, trying to look like it was a natural movement. But she knew better than that. Then she asked me the question I had always feared her asking. She asked me why I cheated. My answer remains vivid in my mind.
"I could say it was because I felt like--like you wanted--someone like Vic and not the emotional mess I am. I could say it was because I felt betrayed when you didn't come to me after Ais slapped me--even though you knew she abused me. But those are just excuses--the reason? I don't know--because I wasn't ready to change yet. Because I was a dumbass. Because I was a bad person. And that was my answer the pain I'm in is because of me. Because of Karma. I deserved the torture. I just wish that--Kaylin wasn't pulled in because the last thing she ever deserved was to be hurt like I had been.."
That was the answer I gave and the one I stick by. I remember crying for the first time since I was taken. I was broken and I was freed.
